Stephen Colbert: Mike Pence Is ‘America’s Spare Tire’
“That’s right, the coronavirus is spreading through the Coronavirus Task Force. But don’t worry, the White House is now forming a task force to figure out what went wrong with the task force.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Seriously, it doesn’t instill a lot of confidence that the head of the Coronavirus Task Force’s office got the coronavirus. It’s like if the Avengers got mugged.” — JIMMY FALLON
“As far as we know, the virus cannot be transmitted between humans and poodles so he should be OK.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Yep, the only place the coronavirus is rounding the corner is in the halls of the White House.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Meanwhile, when Pence saw he was trending online, he was like, ‘Oh, no — do I have another fly on my head?’” — JIMMY FALLON
“That’s right, Pence will continue to campaign, ’cause not even Covid can stop people from seeing the electricity and raw sexual magnetism that is Mike Pence in person.” — JIMMY FALLON
“We wish them all a speedy recovery, of course we do, both from the virus and from thinking it was ever a good idea to work for Mike Pence.” — JAMES CORDEN
“Despite all of this, Pence himself still has not tested positive because even the virus isn’t interested in Mike Pence.” — JAMES CORDEN
“It’s like the coronavirus won the Super Bowl, except it already made trips to Disneyland and the White House.” — JIMMY FALLON
“In response this weekend, the White House dispatched chief of staff and last boy picked for the white pride kickball game, Mark Meadows. Yesterday, Meadows went on CNN to reassure a worried nation that you’re on your own.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“The White House’s new plan to stop the virus is to stop trying to stop it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Interesting, so the plan is to just let coronavirus spread freely throughout America? It’s interesting how zen Trump’s people are about this, you know, because with an immigrant child who came over the border, they’re like: ‘Zero tolerance! One is too many! We have to deport!’ But with a virus that’s killing hundreds of thousands of Americans they’re like: ‘Look, man, the virus is just trying to make a better life in our lungs. Who are we to stop it?’” — TREVOR NOAH
